Fangs for Nothing Read online

  "Who are you?" I asked the man, letting my fangs extend. If he was another vampire, I was screwed if he wanted to hurt me. But if he was a human...then there'd be something I could do about it.

  "Jonas."

  "Alright, Jonas..." I eyed him warily. Why'd he tell me his name? Was it even his real one? I had no way of knowing. The one thing I was sure of was that I didn't know anyone named Jonas. "What are you doing here?" I asked when he didn't expand on it himself.

  "William sent me," he answered.

  "William?" I frowned. That made no sense. He was bad with presents, there was no doubt about that, but this was a whole new level. What was I going to do with a Jonas?

  "He said you might be able to help me."

  "And you didn't think the chances of that would be higher if you'd knocked on the door?" What was it with vampires and perpetuating a stereotype? Some of us did our best to live a life that didn't draw attention to us. Then there were the Jonases of the world, creeping in through windows in the middle of the night and being cryptic. It really didn't help our overall image.

  "I don't like doors."

  "Right. And that means you won't respect other people's privacy and use them?" I narrowed my eyes at him.

  "He said you could help me," he repeated lamely.

  "Come back in the morning," I told him. "Knock on the door and ask me that way."

  "I can't," he responded.

  "Why in the stakes not?" I let out the exasperated sigh I'd been holding in. At least it didn't look like I was in any danger from him. Something Jester had also seemingly decided as he'd curled back into his ball and gone back to sleep. Note to self: I shouldn't rely on the cat to protect me.

  "I can't be seen asking you for help..."

  "Then you don't need me," I countered. "Goodnight, Jonas. I'd say it was a pleasure to meet you, but I'd rather have been basted in garlic and boiled in holy water." Not that either of those could kill me. Well, the boiling could. Just not the garlic or holy water. Unless the water was in a place of worship. The rules of being a vampire were confusing to say the least.

  "I do need you," he protested.

  I closed my eyes and counted to ten. "Then you'll do what I asked and come back tomorrow."

  "I can get you some nice B+ blood," he hastily said.

  I opened one eye, my interest peaked. I did hate the O neg stuff and my current supplier wasn't very flexible.

  "How?" I asked, looking him up and down. He didn't look too shabby, but he wasn't particularly well-dressed either. No stiff collar, no pressed shirt, and no penguin shoes. Not a noble attire. If I couldn't get the decent blood, how would a commoner get his hands on it?

  "I know a guy. He'll get you the freshest B+ blood for the whole year." Jonas shot me a begging look. "Please, I'm desperate."

  "Fine. But I want a two-year supply."

  "Done."

  The man reached out to shake my hand and I glared at him. "Get out of my bedroom, dude."

  "Right. Sorry..."

  "Go wait downstairs so I can get dressed," I ordered, shooing him out of my bedroom. I already had a fiancé that kept proposing and a Derek, I didn't need another man with no boundaries.

  Jester let out an adorable little yawn, stretched himself into a thin tube, and jumped down. He shot me a questioning look, his tail flicking back and forth. "Preowww?"

  "Yes, yes, I'm getting up. I'll feed you in a second, you hairy monster."

  Another perfectly good morning ruined by me having to get up. If I couldn't stay in tomorrow, I'd bolt down the doors and windows so nobody could disturb me.

  "Ugh, mornings..." Grumbling to myself, I wrapped a bathrobe around me and descended down to the kitchen. Jonas could go stand on his head, but I'd have coffee before he roped me into whatever issue he needed me to solve. William really needed to stop referring his friends to me with their petty problems.

  Lost keys, missing bills, and locating a sweater were hardly serious cases for a PI. Nonetheless, my fiancé couldn't stop telling them all how proud he was and subsequently, I felt too guilty to say no to his friends. At least it got me the gratitude of some important people and interesting rewards.

  I ran my finger along the antique dresser in the hallway, nodding to myself. This beauty certainly had been worth the trouble of finding a lost cat for William's brother.

  The sudden sound of clinking cups and slamming cupboard doors had me sprinting to the kitchen, where I found Jonas dusted in flour. "Nice place you got here," he said sheepishly, shooting me an awkward grin.

  "What are you doing?" I exclaimed, pulling the bag of flour from his hands. What was his problem? Why was he rummaging through my cupboards? What the fuck was he doing?!

  "I was looking for sugar," he admitted.

  "Why!?"

  "For my tea." He pointed to the steaming cup on the counter, shrugging as if it was the most normal thing to break in through a window and brew your own tea in their kitchen.

  A familiar anger boiled up in my stomach, one that I'd done so well at keeping at bay since I moved away from Mother. Trembling with fury, my rage curled and coiled through my veins in an unstoppable force. To stop my hands from shaking, I balled them into fists and shoved them deep in the pockets of my robe.

  "One, two, three, four," I counted under my breath, trying to keep myself from exploding and killing William's friend in my kitchen. That would surely be a morning to remember. "Five, six, seven—"

  "What are you doing?"

  "I'm counting," I hissed.

  "Counting what?"

  "All the ways I'm going to kill you!" I yanked the mug from his hand and slammed it into the sink. "Use the fucking door and don't make tea in someone else's house unless you want to get hung by your testicles!"

  "Jeez, you're crabby. William didn't mention that."

  "It's four o'clock in the freaking morning!"

  Jonas shrugged, clearly unbothered. "Never mind, I'll do without tea. Are you ready to hear about my case now?"

  Without waiting for me to reply, he strolled out of the kitchen and made himself comfortable in one of the living room chairs.

  Seething at his behaviour, I gnawed on my nails to keep myself from destroying the house and turning William's rude friend into another skeleton in my closet. He could keep Daisy company, although I was pretty sure he'd still be a menace even when dead.

  "Fucking, fuck wad," I grumbled, pulling the bag of coffee beans from the cupboard. Not having the patience to make a decent cup, I just threw a handful of beans on my mouth and cracked them up with my teeth. Not the best way to have my morning brew, but better than committing vampicide.

  Why was I even going to listen to his problem? I should just kick him to the curb and yell a little at William. He was a lovely man, but his choice in friends was terrible. Case in point: Jonas the asshole.

  I grabbed hold of the counter, tensing and squeezing as hard as I could to get rid of the rampant anger within me. I didn't like this side of myself. I'd been doing so well in keeping my temper under control, but being awoken at four by an obnoxious vampire was enough to set it off.

  "Be calm, be calm. Think calm thoughts, Lucy," I chanted to myself, trying to calm my breathing. "I am calm and the calmness is me."

  I inhaled deeply, hoping it would clear my lungs and my head. "Let go of the anger... Release..."

  After giving myself a couple of minutes to calm down, I felt confident I could face up to my visitor again. Unless he'd somehow managed to be even worse of a guest.

  That thought spurred me on to hurry into the living room and find out what he was up to. I didn't want him to start redecorating or host a garage sale out of the window.

  The angst in my heart lifted when I found him sitting neatly in the middle of the large sofa. With his hands on his knees and his boyish smile, he looked nothing like the ass who broke in and violated the most sacred tea rule.

  "So... Jonas." I sat down opposite of him, folding my hands neatly and chaining the anger
down so it couldn't lash out at him again. "What can I do for you today?"

  "I need help finding an item."

  "An item?" I reached for the notepad on the coffee table and clicked my pen. "What kind of item?"

  "A lost item."

  I ground my teeth down, letting out a long breath instead of snapping at him again. "Please describe this particular lost item."

  "Oh, it's an engraved watch."

  "Right. What did the watch look like?"

  Jonas stared at me, blinking slowly. "Like a watch..."

  Slowly, I clicked my pen and closed my notepad. "I don't think this is going to work out, Jonas. I can give you some great PI recommendations," I suggested, wondering which of my contacts I hated most. Sending this nightmare client to them would be like the worst pain I could ever inflect in them.

  Atticus. It had to be Atticus. I hated that smug bastard. He'd curse me for all eternity if I sent Jonas his way.

  "I can give you the number of a great PI."

  Jonas shook his head. "No, it can't be anyone else but you."

  "Why?" I sighed, refraining from slapping my forehead. It would be well deserved though.

  "I... Well, this matter is rather delicate. You see, my wife, she is... umm... Human?" He whispered, checking over his shoulder to make sure we were alone.

  "Don't worry, nobody will hear us unless someone else came in through the window," I said. "But okay... What makes you think I want to help you find your human wife's watch?"

  "William said you were pro-human."

  "I'm not anti-human," I argued, rolling my eyes. Only William would openly admit to be part of the new wave. In our circles, that was a dangerous thing to do, but he never hid his position towards humans. It was one of the things I admired about him, even if I wasn't ready to be disowned. One day, I would speak up about it. When Mother was dead or so.

  "Good enough. The watch... It was the last gift from my wife. Before... I... Before..." He hid his face in his hands, his voice lowered to a deep hum. "Before she was taken from me."

  "I'm sorry..." Guilt swirled up in my stomach. His loss wasn't an excuse for his rude behaviour, but I could understand why a man in distress would be a little... bonkers.

  "I've looked everywhere, but I just can't find it. It would mean the world to me if you could locate it."

  I reached for the notepad again. "Fine. I'll need a detailed description of— Actually, do you just have a picture of it?"

  "Oh, yes." He reached in his pocket and held out one of those fancy screen phones. Smart phones? He swiped the screen and held it out to me. "Here. Classic hand-wound tourbillon chronograph, with two dials, an alligator leather strap, and a sapphire case."

  I sighed. "This isn't going to work if you lie to me, Jonas."

  His ears reddened. "What lie?"

  "I'm not a watch expert, but even I can tell that's faux-leather. The tourbillon is clearly just for gimmicky show and that's probably just a sapphire finish. At best." I sighed, silently thanking my dad for my random knowledge on whisky, watches, and cigars.

  "Fine. It's not an expensive watch at all, but it's still dear to me. Please find it for me?"

  “Do you know where you had it last?” I sighed.

  Jonas shot me a guilty look. “No…”

  Of course, not… Great!

  Chapter 5

  I paused outside the entrance of the shop. I'd really hoped I wouldn't have to come here, but none of the human pawn shops I'd been to had anything that even closely resembled Jonas' stupid watch. Could this be William's odd way of trying to get me to come back to vampire society? I wouldn't put it past him to try something so misguided, but then, that wouldn't quite fit with what his long term goal was. Despite his...quirks, I truly believed William wanted me to be happy. And that I'd be happy with him.

  I just couldn't tell him that until I was happier in myself. Contrary to my mother's belief, I hadn't left vampire society in a fit of teenage rebellion. I'd done it because I wasn't happy and needed a change. Grandmother's offer to move into her old manor house just happened to come at the perfect time.

  "Come on, Lucy, you know putting it off will only make it worse," I muttered to myself. Talking to oneself was most definitely the sign of a complex and worthy mind. At least, that was what I was going to keep telling myself. There was a good chance I was wrong and just going crazier each time I did it, but only time would tell.

  The door squealed as it opened, the sound going right through me. Would it kill Jeremy to oil it some time? It wasn't like he was short of money. All the vampires I knew used his pawn shop to hide their dirty little secrets. If objects could talk, his shelves would be filled with the whispers of things no one wanted airing into the world. I had to wonder how many of those secrets belonged to members of my own family. We were one of the oldest, which meant that Daisy wasn't the only thing hiding in our closets.

  "Lucinda, I didn't expect to see you here," Jeremy exclaimed from behind his counter, clapping his hands together and jutting his hip out in a way no straight man would ever be caught dead doing. Vampires in general weren't all that big on labelling sexuality. We lived so long that it was easy to look past what bits people had. Not Jeremy though. He was as gay as they came and proud of it. I'd been subjected to many photos of him strutting his stuff at pride parades. It wasn't that I had a problem with the parades themselves, I just didn't like seeing photos of acquaintances decked out in nothing more than glitter and a g-string.

  "And I'm even more surprised to be here," I returned.

  "Did William send you to pick out a ring?" he asked eagerly.

  I raised my eyebrow. "What makes you think I don't already have a ring?" I did, and it took all my presence of thought not to touch it as I spoke. I might not have technically said yes to his proposal, but that didn't mean I hadn't accepted the ring. I'd take it off from around my neck and put it on my finger when I was good and ready, something William knew full well.

  "So what are you here for? An old family heirloom?"

  "You have some of those here?" I wasn't able to keep the hint of surprise out of my voice.

  He waved his hand towards a shelf with what appeared to be a withered skull on it. "I believe this once belonged to your great-great-grandfather."

  I grimaced. I bet it was Terrance. He was my great-great-grandparent most likely to own something as weird as that. He'd probably thought it was good for his fertility or some rubbish like that. It was amazing what some vampires would believe anything if you promised them what they wanted.

  "I think I'll pass, thank you."

  "One day, you might have need of it."

  "And if I do, then you'll be the first to know." I tried to keep the distaste out of my voice, but it rivalled the amount I felt whenever I had to deal with my mother and her friends.

  "It's a shame, Lucinda, I'd have thought he'd look lovely in your family home."

  "I'm sure he would," I deadpanned. "I'm actually here about a watch."

  "Oh?" Jeremy leaned forward, a perfectly manicured eyebrow raised questioningly.

  "A...friend has misplaced one very dear to him. Would you mind if I took a look at the ones you have in store?"

  He sighed loudly. "I suppose so. You'll be disappointed though." He motioned for me to come over to his far cabinet. "This is my selection of timepieces."

  One look at the display and I had to close my eyes to stave off the exasperation within me. "I don't think a pocket sundial counts as a timepiece," I said.

  "On the contrary...does it keep the time?" Jeremy asked.

  "Not accurately. And not with ease, either. In the wrong hands, it could tell you precisely the wrong time," I pointed out.

  "And yet, it will tell you a time..."

  "But a wrong one."

  "You didn't specify you were looking for an accurate timepiece." He stood back.

  "I think it was implied," I muttered under my breath.

  "You should never imply something when you know exactl
y what you wanted, it just wastes all of our time."

  My eyes fluttered closed again and I counted to ten, determined not to do anything crazy like rip his throat out. He might deserve it, but the look of expectant disapproval on my mother's face as I stood trial for it wouldn't be worth it.

  I pulled out my phone, thumbing through the photos of Jester to find the one Jonas had sent me of the watch. I hadn't meant to take so many pictures of the stupid cat, but he'd just looked so cute all curled up in the sun this morning that I couldn't help it. I wasn't quite ready to admit that I'd be keeping the creature, but, deep down, I knew it was inevitable.

  "Have you seen this?" I asked, showing him the photo.

  "I wouldn't know if I had."

  I scowled. Why did he have to be so awkward? "Why not?" I asked.

  "Because there's nothing special about the watch. There must be thousands of them in existence. Even if I'd seen one, I'd have no way of knowing if it was actually this one."

  I groaned. I'd realised Jonas was exaggerating how expensive his watch was, but this was even beyond that.

  Ugh. At least that meant I didn’t have to spend more time in the pawn shop of shame. “Thank you, Jeremy. Goodbye.”

  “Wait.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes”

  “While you’re here…”

  Oh for fang’s sake, what now?

  Jeremy dove under the counter, rummaging loudly until he held a little dusty enveloppe up. “Found it. That’s for you.”

  “Old correspondence? No thanks.” I couldn’t get a handle on all the spam pouring through the mail slot of my door, I didn’t need more unopened junk.

  The gay vampire chuckled, clicking his tongue. “You’ll want this. It’s for your fiancé.”

  “Give it to him yourself,” I deflected, tapping my imaginary hat and making a little bow. I wasn’t anyone’s mailman, and certainly not William’s.

  “It’s from his grandfather,” Jeremy sang, waving the enveloppe teasingly from left to right. Not unlike the piece of string I’d been using to play with Jester.

  “Fine, give it to me.”