Broken Illusions Read online

  To my surprise, Bram puts an arm around me and pulls me even closer to him than I was before. His body is alongside mine, and I can feel the hard muscles of his chest against mine.

  This is the kind of thing I can get used to. The kind of thing that makes me believe in fairy tales and romance again.

  No. Best not go there.

  The sobs begin to fade, and I drift off to sleep.

  Chapter 3

  "Ashryn?" Bram shakes me awake, and I blink furiously, shielding my eyes on reflex before realising it's pitch black in here so doesn't matter anyway.

  "Huh?"

  "You feel asleep."

  "I did what?" That isn't like me. I never sleep on a job. Oh wait, I'm not on a job. But on the run is kind of like being on a job, right?

  "You feel asleep." He shifts slightly next to me. Potentially in discomfort, though I have no way of truly knowing.

  "That seems unlikely."

  "Unlikely or not, you fell asleep. But it's time for us to go now."

  "Are you sure?" I ask, completely unsure how he knows that. Maybe it's some internal vampire body clock thing that I'm yet to discover.

  "Completely."

  "We'll still need to be careful in case there are hunters about," I say, before realising how stupid it is to point that out. He's well aware of that. Which is probably one of the reasons he hates hunters so much. I'm not sure I believe that his wife's death is all there is to it. Not by a long shot. he doesn't feel much for her now, if what he's been saying is true. And taking revenge for a woman he doesn't care about just doesn't seem to fit with anything I know.

  "I know. But I can't hear anything from them."

  "You can hear through metal?"

  "You can't?" he counters.

  "No?"

  "Are you sure?" He sounds amused. Why does he sound so amused? Am I missing something.

  "Of course, I'm sure."

  "Listen more carefully," he prompts.

  So I do. I'd be an idiot not, and one thing I pride myself on, is not being an idiot.

  I almost don't believe it, but he's right. I can hear the outside. There's the rustling of the wind through the trees, and the small chirps of bats as they flitted between them. It's definitely evening then, which is a good start. But he's also right about there not being any people about. There's no snapping of twigs, or the distinct sound of clothing moving against skin.

  "Just how good is vampire hearing?" I ask, kind of in awe over what I'm doing right now.

  "Pretty damn good. If the vampire is paying attention."

  "How have hunters ever managed to get one up on you?" I ask, regretting my words the moment they're out. It's highly inappropriate for me to say that to someone who lost their spouse to a hunter.

  To my surprise, he starts to laugh. "Most hunters are pretty good at what they do, and most vampires are pretty bad at it."

  "But not you?"

  "No."

  "And your wife?"

  "Was a fool. Why are you so interested in her?"

  "Call it professional curiosity." Well that was a blatant lie. More like, a little bit of jealousy really. No, wait, that can't be right. Why would I be jealous of someone who isn't only dead, but was only involved with someone who severely dislikes me.

  What has my life become?

  "Sure," he says, but ignores my question. Probably for the best.

  Bram continues to ignore me, and pushes on the large metal door open, and the night air streams in, sweet and crisp after the stuffiness of the bunker. Though pressing myself against Bram for so long really hadn't been too bad.

  "Time to get going," he says, hoisting himself out of the bunker with effortless ease.

  Two can play at that game. I shuffle around so I'm crouched on the floor, then use the leverage to launch myself out of the bunker, landing effortlessly on the ground in front of it.

  "Was that necessary?" he asks, already sounding shorter with me. Oh great. Fresh air and the possibility of escape is all that's needed to turn Bram back into a dick.

  "No," I reply, wiping my hands on my clothes. Though I don't know why. They're not actually dirty, it just feels like the kind of think I should do after jumping out of a hole in the ground. Like a scene from one of the movies we used to watch during down time.

  "You confuse me."

  "Good," I say, throwing him a dirty look over my shoulder, before walking over towards a dirt track. If I remember correctly, this was the way out of the forest that didn't lead back to the guild.

  "Are you sure that's the right way?"

  "No. But do you have any better suggestions?" I point out, trying not to sound any more aggressive than I have to. I don't like that things have gone back to this way between us so soon. Why can't they stay nice like while in hiding.

  "I-"

  "Look," I say, spinning around so I'm facing him. "Let's not get at each other every step of the way. Clearly, you're not as against me as you first made out, so stop going back to snarkiness now." I poke my finger against his chest.

  Bram's eyes widen, but watch me intently. There's very clear interest in them, but I'm going to try and ignore that. I mean, it's not like I can do anything else about it. Not -

  My thoughts are stolen as Bram grabs my arm and spins me around, pushing me against the rough bark of a nearby tree.

  A tiny slither of fear travels through me. But it's accompanied by a far more interesting feeling. Anticipation. I'm looking forward to whatever he plans to do next, whether that's hit me, or kiss me.

  "Bram..." I start, not quite sure where I'm going with that.

  "Don't," he replies. His voice cracks and deepens. Kiss me then. But do I really want that? Can I want that? I shouldn't, right?

  My body disagrees. It's screaming yes as loudly as it can.

  "Don't what?" I ask?

  "Tempt me," he half-whispers. Possibly even too quietly for any non-vampire to hear.

  But I do. And I lick my lips in response, a deep satisfaction spreading through me as his eyes flicker down and watch.

  "I think you're the one tempting me right now," I respond, my own voice hoarse. He has to kiss me now. I think. I'm not really sure what I want if I'm honest.

  "Ashryn..." he warns.

  "You're the one with me against a tree," I point out, wiggling slightly. What is up with me? I've never been this kind of woman. But there's something about Bram. The surliness. The power. The hostile edge, that's just making me want him.

  Maybe it's just my fucked up childhood. No one can expect me to have a decent taste in men after killing my first vampire while not even a teen. I'll be surprised if I ever manage to have a normal relationship.

  I suppose normal is underrated.

  Indecision wars over Bram's face, and I watch intently, unsure about what he's going to do next.

  Well, not totally unsure. Just in denial.

  So when it comes, it doesn't take me long to respond.

  There's nothing sweet about this kiss. It's raw, and hungry, and demanding.

  Bram pushes me back further into the tree, the rough bark scratching against my back. And I do not care. Not one bit.

  I moan into his mouth, arching my back as much as I can while caged like this. My breasts push against his chest, and I swear I can feel everything through our clothes.

  Do I want to go further? The images flying through my head are anything but tame. And yet, there's something holding me back.

  I push Bram away. "Enough," I say, almost with a growl at the end. Oops, didn't quite mean it to come out like that.

  "I'm sorry," he mutters, moving away from me and rubbing a hand over his face. "I don't know what happened..."

  "Me neither," I add. I'm not sure I can bring myself to regret it. Even if Remus' face flashes through my mind at that precise moment. I can't be thinking of any of them. I can't let myself get so distracted from...

  Wait. Do I have a purpose anymore?

  I stare into the woods, not too sure what to d
o with myself. Where do I go now? What do I do now? What is the point? I'm full of the questions no one ever wants to answer. And with good reason. I don't know is a terrifying answer.

  "Ashryn? Are you okay?" Bram asks, surprisingly gentle.

  "Sorry," I respond, looking at him for the first time since ending our kiss. "Got lost in my thoughts," I add.

  "Anything of interest."

  "No."

  "You look like you want to talk about it."

  "I said no," I repeat, firming up my voice so it sounds a lot stronger than I feel.

  "Fine." He crosses his arms, and I don't miss the slight pout that flits across his face. He clearly isn't particularly happy with my answer. "Any idea what to do now?"

  "Well, I was going to go this way. But you decided it wasn't the right way," I snap at him. The sudden realisation I have no purpose taking away all of my good feelings. I'm sure other people feel the same when they realise it too.

  "I didn't say it wasn't. I just asked if it was."

  "Potato, potatoe," I reply, trying to be flippant and failing miserably.

  "Can we just go?"

  "Sure." I turn away from him, trying to ignore the look he still has in his eyes. The man wants me. I'm pretty sure anyway. But I don't think he'll do anymore to have me. Which is good as far as I'm concerned. I'm not convinced I'd be able to resist him if he tries anything.

  Chapter 4

  I feel sweaty and disgusting after just half an hour of walking, I'm feeling unreasonably sweaty. I'm sure it must be illegal for vampires to sweat. What with the super strength and super speed, I'd think they'd develop a way not to end up drenched to the bone and smelling to high heaven.

  Well, not heaven. That's pretty much off the cards now, and I know it. Though given how many people I've murdered, I'm pretty sure it was off the table anyway. Go me.

  I huff as we walk speedily. I think we're both aware that was need to find somewhere to rest again before day break comes. We still have time. Luckily the short nights haven't rolled in yet. But I'm also constantly looking. I don't want to be caught out. Not again.

  At least there's no one following us.

  "How far are we from home?" I ask, after about ten more minutes if silence. That kiss broke us. Well, not broke, but it's changed things. And it's pretty much all I can think about, even if I want to deny that.

  "Home?" Bram jumps on the word instantly. "A den of nasty vampires is your home?" He almost sneers, but I catch the hope in his voice.

  "Erm..."

  "Did I just catch out the big bad vampire hunter?" he teases, flipping back to the somewhat good natured. This is going to give me whiplash if he carries on.

  "I'm not a hunter anymore," I mutter, pretty much admitting it out loud for the first time. I'm not sure what to make of that.

  "Oh so you're admitting that now?"

  "Yes."

  "Took you long enough."

  "It's been like a week," I bit back.

  "That's quite a lot of blood to consume while being in denial."

  "I wasn't in denial," I lie. Half-lie, if I'm being fair to myself. I've known really. I was, and still am, hesitant to voice the thought out loud. If I do that, then I have to admit that the things I've done so far in my life have been wrong. And I saw how well that goes down with me back in the bunker with all the blubbering.

  Technically, I can try and say that some of it isn't my fault. But I don't think anyone will believe that. I don't believe that really. I chose to put a stake through each of those vampires' hearts. Or to burn them with holy water. I could have said no. I should have said no. I may have ended up dead for doing it, but at least I wouldn't have lost a part of my soul while doing those things. Maybe now I can start doing things to atone for those mistakes.

  I snort. How on earth did I go from hating vampires, to believing I can redeem myself as one of them. And so quickly? Maybe I never believed they were all bad. I push the thought away. If I've never believed vampires are bad, then that makes what I did to them, ten times worse.

  "I know what denial looks like," Bram points out.

  I spin around so I'm facing him, resting my hands on my hips and giving him a pointed look.

  "Only because you're so far in it, you can spot everyone else hiding things from a mile off."

  "I'm not in denial," he denies. Like a big denying denier.

  Okay, that's a childish thought. And a little uncalled for. His wife did do the things he says she did. And I'm guessing she died the way he says too. Which means denial is probably the only way for him to cope.

  "Aren't you?" I demand, instead of letting it go like I know I should. "Because what your wife did to you isn't worth brooding over. Or hating the world over. She was unfaithful while you didn't want her to be. She strayed from you, abandoned you and probably got herself killed." My voice cracks at the end, surprising me massively. Why do I care so much? What has gotten into me?

  "I-" He looks away, something like realisation flitting across his face.

  "You?" I prompt, but softer this time. I even reach out and place a hand against his arm, feeling the strong muscles beneath his clothing. My heart leaps to attention and I bat it back down. That's not going to get me anywhere. Stupid muscle responding to the adrenaline. "I'm right, aren't I?"

  "No."

  "Liar," I respond. I can't lie to myself, I'm a little smug that he's been so easily caught out by me. It's more than a little amusing really.

  "Ashryn," he growls. Nope, I'm not falling for that one. It's not my fault he's grumpy. Mostly. Though it may be. If I have a target on my back, which is what he's been saying all along anyway, then it is my fault we got caught. If no one had been after me, then no one would have been after him, and he'd be safe back at the den brooding and doing what he normally does.

  I stumble slightly. Which is odd considering I'm standing still, but luckily manage to steady myself on Bram's arm. I feel him push up against my grasp, giving me the support I need without making me ask for it.

  "It's all my fault," I say out loud, barely holding back the sob that's welling up inside me. What's with that? I've never been a crier before, and yet here I am with tears threatening to leak like a fountain. Maybe it's something in the blood I've been drinking? That's the only thing that's changed. Except for my entire body chemistry.

  "It's not your fault," Bram counters. Damn vampires and their insane hearing.

  "It is. If I wasn't here, would you be in danger?"

  "If you weren't here, I'd be in danger from you," he points out, and I snort.

  "Okay, you may have a point."

  "I'd still have had the same mission, whether you were with me or not," he adds.

  "The guild," I reply, remembering the very little I'd been told before we left the den.

  "Aye, the guild. We need to get in and find..." he trails off.

  I sigh. "You still don't trust me enough to tell me, do you?" I ask, not sure whether I should be more hurt or relieved. A little part of me was never going to forget my training, and him not telling me was completely in line with that. One the other, I'm waltzing into a potentially dangerous situation, with no idea what my end goal is. That sounds...dangerous. Beyond dangerous.

  "It's not that, it's just that it sounds weird when I think about it now."

  "Okay...." I draw out the word, hoping he'll get the hint and actually clue me in.

  "Dimitri sent me after a knife."

  "We almost died for a knife?" Didn't that just take the piss? My life for a fucking knife.

  "He says it'll cripple the guild to lose it."

  "I highly doubt that. The guild wasn't built on the basis of anything but training and hard work. A knife isn't going to make any difference at all." I'm not even lying. The only knife to play an integral part of the guild, is the one used during the initiation ceremony. The one used to make a cross across the skin of a new hunter's upper arm. The process stung a bit, but it really wasn't a big deal.

  My face fell.<
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  "Ashryn?"

  "Shit." If the process stings, maybe that's because there's more to it? Something far more sinister than just cutting into the arms of children anyway.

  "You okay?"

  "No. I need you to do something for me."

  "Can it wait until we find somewhere to stay for the day?"

  "Definitely not," I reply. If I'm right, then we have big big problems. And being in one place for the day wasn't going to help that. If I'm right, then I'm amazed the hunters didn't find us in the bunker. Then again, maybe the thick metal walls block stuff.

  "Right then, tell me what to do."

  Instead of answering, I shrug off my jacket, quickly dropping my holsters to the floor, and whipping off my long sleeved shirt underneath. My tank top is ridiculously thin, and plastered to my skin. Bram doesn't seem to mind, and his eyes are straying down from my face. I should tell him off for that. I'm not going to.

  My mind really has taken an odd turn on that front.

  He coughs loudly. "What do you want me to do?" he asks, probably realising I hadn't told him the first time, just started stripping off.

  "I need you to cut, here." I draw my fingers over the cross on my left shoulder. The one the guild gave me at six. "Why?" he asks, but takes out his own knife and a lighter nonetheless. Good. That means he's going to do it. I can get used to having men around who do what I tell them to, and when I tell them to do it.

  "I think they may be putting trackers in us."

  Silence hangs between us as that sinks in.

  "Shit."

  "Which means they know where the den is." More tears threaten, but I choke them back. I can't believe I put so many people in danger.

  To my surprise, Bram just laughs.

  "I'm pretty sure they already knew where the den was."

  "What? How?"

  "There's been a rumour going around for years that someone high up is in league with the hunters."

  "What? Who?" I splutter, taken aback about the whole thing. It can't possibly be true? Can it? Why would any of the vampires want to help the people whose sole mission in life was to kill them all? It doesn't make any sense to me, and I was a hunter until very recently. Though, to be honest with myself, now I was out of their control, not a lot of what the guild does makes sense to me anymore. I have more unanswered questions than ever, and no one who knew any of the answers. Except Eric. I guess he might be able to answer some of them. But right now, I'm not convinced going to him is that safe.